Brace yourself, college football fans — because just when you think things can’t possibly go more off the rails, they absolutely can. Welcome back to the Defector College Football Watch Guide, where Israel Daramola and Ray Ratto sift through the weekend’s matchups to help you figure out which ones actually deserve your attention.
Ray: Only a few assistant coaches bit the dust this week, which either means the great coaching purge is slowing down, or we’ve simply hit the point where firing more people doesn’t help anymore. Bill Belichick, of course, isn’t truly gone until someone drives a stake through the vampire’s heart. We’ve officially entered the midseason slump — that stretch where half the games feel dull and the other half are just confusing. When you catch yourself staring at UCLA–Michigan State wondering if a Penn State beatdown could make UCLA relevant again, you might need a mental reset. Still, that nor’easter headed for the East Coast could turn some otherwise plain games into glorious mud-soaked wars — and there’s nothing like a swampy shootout to remind us why we love this ridiculous sport. If Charlotte–Army gets flooded out? Fine by us. Chaos suits college football perfectly.
Israel: Here’s the thing about this sport: no matter how bad it gets, it can always get worse. North Carolina fans, consider this your friendly reminder — the “everything sucks” narrative pieces coming out five games into the season? That’s just the preview. You haven’t even reached the painful part yet. Jordon Hudson hasn’t blown up the script, the coaching nepotism hasn’t caused off-field drama (yet), and the dysfunction is still revving up. Clemson, don’t get comfortable either; your temporary reprieve from mediocrity is short-lived. As for Arch Manning? His wings are melting before we’ve even hit high noon, and Florida State’s losing streak? Oh, we’re not even at peak Norvell yet. Things are spiraling for the sport as a whole too — look at the Big Ten eyeing that $2 billion private equity deal, convincing itself it can do what Red Lobster and Toys “R” Us couldn’t: survive being “saved” by corporate money. And now, the NCAA has decided players can bet on pro games (just not their own). Because, sure, nothing says “integrity of the sport” like turning athletes into regulated gamblers. It’s wild how fast things unravel the moment you loosen your grip.
Now, onto the games.
USF at North Texas – Friday, 7:30 p.m. ET on ESPN2
Call this the mid-tier AAC showdown of pride. North Texas QB Drew Mestemaker has somehow spread completions across 17 different receivers — a fun stat even if it says more about chaos than precision. Their offense is messy but entertaining, rivaling Texas Tech’s for sheer liveliness. Not many people will watch this one, but it beats flipping to UMass–Kent State. — Ray
Ohio State at Illinois – Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on FOX
Illinois’ loss to Indiana sent them back to reality with a thud, and Ohio State’s main challenge isn’t the Illini — it’s the need to stay flashy enough to keep national eyes from wandering toward Oregon. Ohio State will likely try to make this a blowout just to remind everyone who’s boss. — Ray
Pitt at Florida State – Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
You’d be foolish to trust Florida State right now. Pitt might not be a powerhouse, but they’ve actually been more consistent in league play. QB Tommy Castellanos has stalled out, the defense looks fiery but fragile, and Mike Norvell continues to mismanage clock situations like it’s an art form. — Israel
Alabama at Missouri – Saturday, 12:00 p.m. ET on ABC
Alabama feels “back-ish.” The Tide are winning, sure, but they’re about as fun as watching wet paint dry. Missouri, led by the improbably named Beau Pribula, is undefeated and thriving. If they can contain Alabama’s QB Ty Simpson — who tends to turn into a pumpkin under pressure — and let Ahmad Hardy go wild, Mizzou might steal this one. But the Tide’s defense bends without breaking, and we’ve seen this story before. — Israel
UMass at Kent State – Saturday, 2:30 p.m. ET on ESPN+
The battle for rock bottom. UMass is statistically the worst team in Division I and sitting on a total point differential that looks more like a disaster relief number. They’ve managed to barely cover one game all year. But hey — they’re still trying. If anyone’s chasing the dubious glory of going winless, UMass might just be your team. — Ray
Wake Forest at Oregon State – Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on The CW
Oregon State is surprisingly competent, Wake Forest is scrappy, and honestly, we just want them both to win. Watching a winless season unfold is bleak enough to make you question humanity, so go Beavers and Demon Deacons alike. — Ray
Oklahoma at Texas – Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on ABC
The Red River Rivalry always finds a way to upend logic. Arch Manning and John Mateer probably won’t turn this into a shootout, but wouldn’t it be peak Texas if they beat Oklahoma right after looking like roadkill against the Gators? Expect chaos, questionable coaching, and maybe an upset, because the Red River doesn’t care about records or rankings. — Israel
Indiana at Oregon – Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on CBS
Game of the week, easily. Oregon rides high off the Penn State takedown, while Indiana is still glowing under new coach Curt Cignetti. This matchup will test whether the Hoosiers can win a big one after falling short against powerhouse programs. Oregon is favored by two scores for a reason — but don’t rule out a surprise. — Ray
Nebraska at Maryland – Saturday, 3:30 p.m. ET on BTN
This one’s the definition of “pretty good but not great.” Nebraska’s Dylan Raiola and Maryland’s Malik Washington face off in what might decide who sneaks into a top-tier bowl. Nebraska’s QB might be wondering if he and Patrick Mahomes are cosmically linked, given how both have struggled recently. One of these teams is about to come back to Earth fast. — Israel
Florida at Texas A&M – Saturday, 7:00 p.m. ET on ESPN
The Billy Napier countdown is still ticking in Gainesville. Meanwhile, A&M has vaulted into playoff conversations thanks to a ferocious defense and QB Marcel Reed’s chemistry with wideout Mario Craver. The Gators might just wind up being another footnote on the Aggies’ title chase. — Ray
Kansas at Texas Tech – Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on FOX
Texas Tech’s offense is pure fireworks — they’re second in scoring nationally and play defense like it’s optional. This is a must-watch if you love offensive showdowns and underappreciated quarterbacks like Behren Morton, who is thriving in Arch Manning’s shadow. — Ray
Michigan at USC – Saturday, 7:30 p.m. ET on NBC
This one’s for the night owls. Late kickoff? Sure. But that’s what couches are for. Honestly, if you’re tired of 11 p.m. start times, move to Hawaii — where football starts with your morning coffee. Or skip it all and pretend Penn State–Rutgers is your happy place. — Ray
South Carolina at LSU – Saturday, 7:45 p.m. ET on SEC Network
Two talented teams, one giant disappointment. South Carolina had high hopes for Shane Beamer and QB LaNorris Sellers, but the air has leaked out fast. LSU, on the other hand, looks exactly like a Brian Kelly team — solid defense, sluggish offense, and a coach who turns red when criticized. The loser here might just hit panic mode next week. — Israel
Arizona State at Utah – Saturday, 10:15 p.m. ET on ESPN
Utah loves to suffocate opponents slowly — death by a thousand paper cuts. Arizona State, led by Sam Leavitt, will fight back but needs RB Raleek Brown to fuel their offense. Despite being the underdog, ASU’s undefeated Big 12 record puts pressure squarely on Utah. — Israel
Utah State at Hawaii – Saturday, 11:59 p.m. ET (Online)
It’s Midnight Madness, Hawaiian edition — and no, that’s not a new strain. Grab the snacks, stay up late, and see if Hawaii’s kicker Kansei Matsuzawa can keep his perfect field goal record alive. College football sleepovers hit different when you wake up covered in pizza rolls and regret. — Israel
But what do you think? Are college football’s weirdest storylines what make it lovable—or proof that the whole system is cracking under its own absurdity? Drop your hot takes below. Let’s argue it out like true fans.
